I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
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Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone