Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
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My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
My first child will be named New Folder.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
And now we wait