The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT