The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”