My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.