My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
great and now sky water
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this