My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
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You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
is it earth
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s