Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
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The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My kitchen overserved me.
I found your tweet-up…
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
opening twitter today
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me too 😆
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.