I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
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[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?