I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
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This might be the funniest tweet ever
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Finally!
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.