Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
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My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.