“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
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Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My work here is don’t.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Good morning y’all ☀️
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.