Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
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Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
no their not
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring