SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
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American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Herpes is trending, good job people
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.