Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I feel it
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva