GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
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Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.