Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
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Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.