Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
You Might Also Like
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say