[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
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*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
WWE is French for “yes”
this is what they would have looked like, though
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.