If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
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6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one