me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 馃檪
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
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I鈥檓 going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
How to wake up a Beagle
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren鈥檛 limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I鈥檓 a pretty lady.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don鈥檛 eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Cop: *kicks door open* it鈥檚 time to take out the trash
Cop鈥檚 wife: stop kicking the door
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I keep a survival log when I鈥檓 forced to fast before bloodwork鈥o yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Everyone鈥檚 a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I鈥檓 wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.