“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.