Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
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Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Mad Max: Furry Road
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.