So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
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him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“no gods no masters” = leo
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.