At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
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Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
seems like a niche market
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨