happy birthday to me. i am 25.
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social