*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
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If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Name another movie that mislead you?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My new favorite headline
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.