I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
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when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
March 16
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN