You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed