Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Breaking news:
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
when dads have a rap battle
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.