The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
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I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
never deleting this app.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.