My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
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A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I came this close!!!!
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY