If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Check out the legs on this baby
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime