Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
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This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.