*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
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I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“i am a sweet baby”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.