*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

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It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me


Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?


[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*


“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”


What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.


Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨π˜ͺ𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦


I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.


[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”


My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.