It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*
Being a vegetarian is easy!
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Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?
*Refrigerator hums loudly*
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“TGIM!” – My liver