i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
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E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where