Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back