Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
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never compromise your values
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
And now we wait
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Put a ring on it
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.