Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]