Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year