Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
You Might Also Like
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”