Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.