doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
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Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”