I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
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WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”