Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
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wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
not seeing the problem
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Left at a local drug store…
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.