deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
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“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.