For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
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[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.