This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Saw online –
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*