[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”