If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”