Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
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Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”