I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.